Why Did You Attract A Narcissist?!
Here is what you should know about these gentlemen who can have such power over our lives.
1. Needs someone to constantly stroke his surprisingly fragile ego.
2. Wants someone steady and strong that he can count on to take care of him.
3. Wants an empathetic woman to attend to his child-like needs.
4. Likes smart women, so he can prove he is even smarter.
5. Wants you to be self-sufficient so he doesn’t have to take care of your needs.
And here is one of the finest skills of the Practiced Narcissist.
Whatever your insecurities are, he will fully exploit them to his gain.
What do you get in return?
The quintessential alpha male who is exciting, fun, charming and witty.
He is funny, intense and when you are with him, there is never a dull moment.
You feel he gets you.
You have chemistry and feel high from his attention, for a while anyway.
I was definitely sucked in by this Charming, Manipulative creep last year.
Like the countless women who have shared their stories with me, I got sucked in, ecstatic that I had finally found that man who totally excited me.
Ultimately, of course, leaving me feeling broken, drained and more insecure than ever.
And I felt stupid.
How could a smart woman like me have fallen for this Manipulative Bullshitter?
In case you feel embarrassed or dumb for picking these guys, please don’t.
They are experts at what they do.
If you attract the me-me-me type Narcissistic Man, here is how you can spot him and stop him.
1. Early in any relationship ask for what YOU want and see how he responds.
Though thoroughly self-centred, your Narcissistic Man has a way of seeming so generous and kind.
He wines and dines you.
He tells you what you are longing to hear.
He makes you laugh.
He texts to tell you he is thinking of you.
He is so attentive and charming.
Pay close attention to what’s behind the curtain.
Is the courting really all about you or is it actually all on his terms?
Is he trying to get to know you or simply trying to impress you?
Is he trying to connect with you or win you?
Confident, grownup, relationship minded men are over the childish ego-driven pursuit of women.
They don’t feel the need to perform for you.
They truly want to get to know you.
How do you pull back that curtain?
Don’t let him sweep you off your feet.
Stay grounded and aware of your needs.
When there is something you want, express it.
Start small, like mentioning an activity you would like to do or a restaurant you would like to try.
Ask him to share his feelings about something or a couple childhood stories.
It is easy to be fooled.
Narcissists can seem like very good givers as long as it’s something THEY want to give.
He might want to hang out with his friends, but not yours.
He may only want to take you where he wants to go, when he wants go.
He may not share his inner feelings and life experiences with the exception of his accomplishments.
He expects you to do favours for him but somehow he never can reciprocate.
When you allow yourself to look, your so-called relationship is all about his world and you are just living in it?
The last thing a Narcissist want is a woman who expects to have her needs met.
Be that woman.
Ask for what you want and need and watch carefully with your clear, bright grownup eyes.
2. Know your must haves and stick to them.
No matter how charmed you are or how much fun he is, when deciding if he could be a possible partner stay focused on your must haves.
You want a man who is honest, reliable, and generous.
You want to feel appreciated, respected and understood for the real woman you are.
When he upsets you, does he always have a way to ultimately make it your fault and make you feel guilty?
Does he discount things you say or things you want because he claims to know better?
Does he dominate conversations and turn the topic back to him?
Do you feel that he abused your kindness?
Do you find yourself making excuses for your Narcissistic Man whenever you feel slighted or ignored?
If you find your values are being compromised then cut it off, the sooner the better.
3. Don’t let him rush you.
Insist on going at your pace.
If a man comes on strong and fast about what he can do for you, how much he likes you and how it will be as a couple, take a step back.
It is called Love Bombing and Narcissists are great at it.
Love Bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.
It works because it feeds into our fantasy of being swept off our feet.
Their charm and intensity can be intoxicating and make us feel so adored and taken care of.
I promise, if he is one of these guys then all this is temporary.
No matter how good it feels, this is NOT a healthy courting.
Love Bombing has nothing to do with Love.
It has to do with him getting what HE wants by playing a game that he wants to win.
Keep both feet on the ground, go slow and let your head dominate your heart.
When you are getting love bombed, there is a good chance he is a Narcissist, a user or a control-freak.
When you suspect you are getting love bombed, pay close attention.
Is it all about him getting what he wants?
Tell him you need to slow it down and get to know one another before making any plans or promises.
Then watch it he is showing respect for your wishes?
If he is a good man who is just being overly enthusiastic, you will see him back off.
The Narcissist will simply keep trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.
Be firm and if he does not hear you and back off, then get away and stay away.
Do not allow yourself to get caught up in this romantic fantasy.
Think of Narcissistic Men as Heartbreakers in Prince Charming’s clothing.
If it seems too good to be true, then it is.
But you have tools to ferret out of these men so you can move on with your heart and self-esteem intact.
And on to someone who deserves you and all you have to give.
I don’t want to believe Narcissists are inherently evil or actively trying to destroy others.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe Narcissists are capable of making cognitively based decisions, they know the right from wrong and possess the ability to choose right over wrong.
However, Narcissists are driven by a deep-seated, all encompassing need to avoid their true self, a self they long ago deemed inferior, defective and unloveable.
Narcissists live in constant terror of their inner reality and will go to extreme lengths to avoid facing their demons.
They are Master Manipulators, Skilled Liars, and Chameleons, able to morph into different personas at will.
The ability to do these things with such precision and ease is no easy feat.
The Narcissist through trial and error has honed these skills since childhood, they are masters of their craft.
I have often wondered, what drives a Narcissist over the course of a lifetime to perfect these tactics?
What drives them to dedicate so much time and energy to their Narcissism?
I believe the Narcissist is utterly terrified to face the true self, a self that is buried under all their lies, manipulations and mind games.
Their extreme, Pathological Fear of the true self is the Narcissists’ Identity, the reason for everything they do.
A Narcissist doesn’t want you to know that,
• Every day of his life is a struggle for survival.
He will suffer a Catastrophic Mental Breakdown if forced to acknowledge the true self, the inner child, who due to severe trauma, was deemed unloveable and defective.
• He needs constant distraction and can never be alone with his own thoughts.
His Manipulative Games and Lies are borne out of the Narcissists ongoing quest for distraction.
He will do anything, and I mean anything, to avoid spending time in his own head.
• He is extremely insecure, negative and self-loathing.
During the love-bombing stage a Narcissist will mirror you back to yourself so you fall madly in love with him.
As the relationship progresses, the mirroring shifts, the Narcissist no longer mirrors you, rather, he sees himself IN you.
He projects all the hate and self-loathing he feels for himself onto you.
If the Narcissist makes you the awful person, he doesn’t have to acknowledge that what he actually loathes is himself.
• He is haunted by his actions.
As stated above, the Narcissist knows the right from wrong.
He sees the pain and heartache he causes.
He may not feel or understand anothers pain, but he knows that his actions are the cause.
While it’s true, the Narcissist feels little to no empathy, I don’t think he is set out to destroy people, he needs the external validation that people provide way too much.
The Narcissist is an extremely sick person, running from the reality of who and what he is.
The driving force in all he does is avoidance of the true self.
Unfortunately, in the Narcissists’ quest for avoidance, he hurts compassionate, loving and truly caring people.
This fact makes the Narcissist the most selfish, egotistical human being on the planet.
If the Narcissist suspects you know more than you are leading on, he will begin his discard phase.
If for one minute the Narcissist feels in any way vunerable, he will do anything in his power to take the focus off himself.
He will point blame, he will deflect accusations and ultimately, he will start to release your secrets.
But he won’t leave it at that.
The Narcissist doesn’t want anything else other than to play the victim.
Especially when he thinks you have information that may reveal his true self.
So he will put you in the spotlight in the most cruelest way possible.
He will lie, defame and expose you as the abuser in the relationship.
Everybody will then be talking about you instead of him.
Because the Narcissist is so convincing in telling stories about you, everyone will believe him and not you.
You can’t defend yourself as he has exposed you as the Narcissist in the relationship.
If you know any secrets that can expose the Narcissist, keep these secrets to yourself, at least until you are ready to enter the most painful battle of your life and until you are fully equipped to handle the rage he will unleash on you in the process.
The Narcissist’ only purpose will be destroying you and watch you suffer because you dared to show his true self to the world.