Why Do They Come Back When We Had Moved On, But They Didn’t Want Us Back When We Wanted Them?!
One of the sad truths of romantic life is that,
The out of reach fruit often appears the sweetest.
This is especially true for people with intimacy issues that get triggered in relationships or people with Narcissistic-adaptations who are looking for perfection.
Why did he leave you?
• The Magnifying Mirror Effect.
If you have ever switched from checking yourself out with a regular mirror to using a magnifying mirror, you may have been unpleasantly startled by how many facial flaws you could suddenly see.
I know I was and I thought,
When did my pores get so huge?
Where did those wrinkles come from?
This is similar to what happens when your courtship leads to a serious relationship.
When your he was courting you, you were the distant prize to be won.
From that distance, you looked unrealistically perfect in every way.
Then, when the deal was sealed, he started to notice you were just another normal human being.
You have flaws like everyone else, just as he does.
If he is a nice, normal guy, as the reality sinks in, he is comforted by the growing intimacy between the two of you.
He sees your flaws and you see his, but neither of you magnifies them.
Instead you both accept the reality that no one is perfect and the relationship continues to deepen.
But what happens if he has intimacy issues?
There are many people who are quite loving during the courtship phase of the relationship but are either ill equipped to move to the next stage or who are actually frightened of the growing intimacy between you.
Just as your relationship deepens and the two of you are beginning to make plans about the future, they start to feel trapped, bored, or scared.
Suddenly they are searching for reasons to pull back or end the relationship.
This can go in a number of directions depending on their personality.
The following list is not exhaustive but it touches on some of the most frequent reasons your lover left you in the first place.
• Narcissistic Perfectionism.
If your new guy has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, your flaws will suddenly loom unrealistically large.
It is as if you are being scrutinised by that 7x magnifying mirror.
Instead of seeing you as airbrushed perfection, he starts honing in on all your little imperfections.
Now instead of happily cuddling with you and telling you how beautiful you are, he starts mentioning all the things he does not like about you.
This can range from the real and important to the absurd.
Below are some examples;
• You talk too much or you talk too little.
• You are gaining weight.
• You are too clingy or too independent.
• You load the dishwasher wrong.
• You are too close to your family.
• Your breasts are too small.
• You gross me out!
Unfortunately Narcissists are perfectionists.
They only have two categories,
Perfect and Special or Worthless and Irredeemably Flawed.
Once he starts looking for flaws, he will find them.
And because Narcissists have little or no emotional empathy, he is likely to comment on each and every one.
Then he will use them as his excuse for growing cold, pulling back and ending the relationship.
Narcissists are much more comfortable blaming you for their desire to break things off, than facing their own difficulties around having a real relationship.
• Schizoid Fears.
Many who have Schizoid adaptations are afraid of being trapped, losing their independence or even their sense of identity in close one on one relationships.
Their childhood experiences left them with weak internal and external personal boundaries, no knowledge of how to negotiate differences of opinion, and very little basic trust.
The closer they get to you, the more likely they are to feel overwhelmed and endangered.
As the two of you get closer, their fear rises, and then they are likely to shutdown emotionally and find some excuse to distance themselves from you.
• Immature or Not Ready.
Some men are immature or late bloomers.
They are simply not yet ready for real relationships that could lead to a serious commitment.
They are mentally and emotionally still only capable of the type of brief romance with no strings attached that most of us had in high school or college.
Inside they are still teenagers.
Unfortunately they do not usually announce this when they first ask you out.
They may be fine in the early stages of the romance.
They may even talk of a future together.
But when the two of you are getting ready for something more serious, they do not want to go forward.
They wish that they could stop the relationship clock and just have fun with you.
As they pull away they may say,
• This is getting too serious too quickly.
• I need more time for myself.
• You are a great girl, but I am not ready to settle down.
• I am going to Tibet with some buddies and we will be gone for at least three months.
• It’s okay if you want to date other people.
Or if they are cowards, they may simply ghost on you and not answer your texts or calls, leaving you forever perplexed about what happened.
Why does he want you back?
Now that he is no longer with you, all his intimacy fears diminish.
You no longer expect anything from him so there is nothing triggering his fears.
He is back to looking at you from a distance.
Your minor flaws are now invisible and he remembers everything about you that he liked.
If he is not in another relationship or if he is in one that he wants an excuse to leave, he is likely to move towards you again.
His desire for you is intensified if you have moved on and are in a relationship with someone new.
Now instead of fearing intimacy, he is afraid that he is losing you forever.
Relationships are like dancing.
Some people are happily waltzing together, holding each other tightly while going in happy circles and perfectly in sync.
Others are doing the cha cha or the tango when one person moves forward, the other immediately steps back.
It sounds as if they still want to dance with you but it is not the same relationship dance that you would enjoy having.