Why Do Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse Hold Out So Little Hope For Themselves?!
A defence mechanism against the shame felt by one’s wrongdoings for Highly Narcissistic People is to place blame on someone else for causing their action(s) or behaviour(s) that created their shame.
Non-Narcissistic People do this as well but where guilt would cause a normal person to eventually feel regret and remorse and seek to make things right, seek amends, make reparations, A Highly Narcissistic Person doesn’t feel regret or remorse, nor does he ever seek to make things right, he instead transfer his shame in a vain attempt to look faultless, guiltless and blameless.
When A Narcissistic Person shifts blame on another person, usually people closest to him for his wrongdoings, The Target of blame will begin to take on their own shame for having caused The Narcissistic Person to behave badly in the first place.
Because a normal person is able to experience guilt, they feel regret and remorse for these accusations which are often unfounded and this is how shame is transferred from one person to another ,, A Narcissist to his Target.
To make things worse, their attempts to make amends and reparations are met with stonewalling and silent treatments by their Narcissistic Abuser and they are never given the opportunity to make things right.
Even worse, most Narcissistic Abusers will use these attempts to make reparations as if The Target is admitting blame and they will point it out to them.
So Victims sit with their shame and it grows and builds over time.
The Target of transferred shame now begins to express their feelings of shame and common symptoms of shame are anger, rage, loss of self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
Often times this manifests in what is called reactionary abuse against their Abuser and anyone else they deem associated with the shame.
The Target effectively begins to behave like the wrongdoer and this is what fuels The Narcissistic Individual to feel self-justified in their blame-shifting accusation.
The Target is now not only mired in the transferred shame inappropriately placed upon them by their Narcissistic Abuser but they are now also suffering from additional shame caused by their shame-based reactions and eroded self-esteem, anxiety and panic attacks, sleeplessness and nightmares, intrusive recurring thoughts and re-living the horrors experienced with The Narcissistic Abuser all while observing that abuser prance about as the self-justified victim.
Now, multiply this dozens of times.
The first instances of this maybe minor, such as an accusation about why A Narcissist didn’t come home on time the night before.
Over time the episodes of shame transference compound and multiply, increasing in severity until ultimately there is a shameful discard, often something unthinkable like the discovery of infidelity or other massive betrayal by The Narcissist.
The Narcissist blames their victim for this too, of course and as they are walking out the door, they will say things like You are the ONLY person who makes me feel this angry!
The Target Of Narcissistic Shame Transference now feels like a useless, unlovable, confused human being who is suffering from depression, anxiety and likely is suffering from CPTSD, has no informed idea why or how they became such a terrible person or why any of this happened to them.
They have been discarded by someone they once used to value and trust more than anyone else, who has abandoned them because they are a worthless, horrible, abusive, unlikable and unlovable human being.
How easy do you think it would be to pull yourself out of that?
How easy would it be if you are convinced by The Narcissist that you are indeed the person to blame, while your abuser waltzes off into the sunset seemingly enjoying their lives more than they ever did while you were part of it, another person warming their bed and friends and family at their side buying into their treachery?
One of the hardest things for Victims to prove is that they are in fact, The Victim.
During shame-transference, A Victim will engage in several similar behaviours as The Narcissist with anger, rage, anxiety and depression.
The key difference to watch for is action-backed intention towards making amends and seeking reparations.
The Narcissist will never do this but The Victim will and more often than not, the victim is blamed further by on-lookers for these attempts.
Hope after something like this requires a lot of self-reprogramming, clarity and understanding of what you have just been through.
It doesn’t come overnight and one doesn’t get there on their own.
There’s actually very little awareness about Narcissistic Abuse or abuse by personality disordered people in general.
There’s a lot of misinformation about how the dynamics of emotional and psychological abuse works and more importantly how damaging the effects of it is.
Regaining hope takes time, patience, willpower, inner strength and a commitment to get past the pain.
Victims Of Abuse need a lot of support to get through this trial and unfortunately not every Victim has it.