Why Narcissists Discard You At The Worst Possible Times?
Did your Narcissistic partner discard you at the worst possible time?
It could be that you just been hospitalised or lost someone close to you, only to have your partner act cold and aloof?
Or maybe you finally received a long awaited promotion at work but your partner responded by showing utter indifference and flaunting a new love interest in your face, or worse got engaged to someone else while you weren’t looking!
One of the most heartbreaking tactics is how the Narcissist discards at the worst possible times.
Other times the Narcissist plans a devastating discard during what should be a joyous occasion, such as their anniversary, right before a long planned vacation, or even when the victim finds out she is expecting a baby with that Narcissist!
While you are left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart during important milestones of your life, the Narcissist carries on with business as usual as though your history together means nothing.
To you, the horrific discard seems intensely personal, cruel, and callous.
But as devastating as it is, the truth is almost all Narcissists discard their partners during important life events, special occasions and devastating losses.
It is one of their Blueprint Manipulations.
When the Narcissist decides it is time to discard you, nothing is sacred.
While you are waiting for the real, loving and romantic person that you thought he was to surface again and show a shred of compassion or basic interest in your situation, the Narcissist couldn’t care less as he goes about love bombing his new partner right under your nose.
Narcissists take pleasure in executing devastating discards at the worst possible times and there is a reason behind why they enjoy it so much.
In fact, they are acutely aware of what they are doing and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual.
Why Discards Are Rarely Real and WHY the Timing?
It doesn’t matter whether the Narcissist discards you during a joyous occasion or during a devastating loss, his actions and motivations following either events is almost identical.
The real aim behind these torturous and soul shattering discards is that the Narcissist is bent on triggering your abandonment wounds and deepening your declining self esteem which means he can likely keep you in the queue for as long as he deems you useful.
Often what appears to be a discard is simply a tactic used by almost all Narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary supply source.
He is in heightened manipulation mode, using your weak spots against you in order to control you and have the upper hand.
The reason he strategically implements discards during important life events is so that you will never forget him or what he did to you.
In other words, when it comes to your memory bank, instead of recalling your child’s graduation, the warm accolades from your friends and family for your promotion or the joy of being pregnant with a human life, what you will remember instead is the Narcissist and his horrific Abuse.
Following are two tactics Narcissists use which look like a discard but are really hidden ploys to keep you strung along indefinitely.
Many discards involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the Narcissist’s life.
In truth, the majority of discards are actually a sneaky implementation of the triangulation phase, where they begin comparing you with their new love interest and making you feel like you fell from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, declining appearance and exhaustion.
And if you agree to remain friends with the Narcissist, you will get to hear all about how great the new person is and eventually the Narcissist will go as far as to share the relationship problems he is having with the new person with you!
This is when you start believing the relationship didn’t work out because of you and the things you might have done.
In truth, the Narcissist fabricated every single emotion and event that has resulted in this outcome.
It was his intention from the very start.
Sometimes though, the Narcissist has a new person in his life but he strives to keep it under wraps.
It depends on his social status among his inner circle, his business colleagues and personal friends.
He has an image to maintain after all.
In this scenario, the Narcissist breaks up with you several times and disappears during weekends or for whole weeks at the time claiming that he needs time to breathe and reflect so he can get a clear picture of his feelings for you and the relationship.
What is really happening is he has another person lined up and he is love bombing that person with such intensity, he can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship he has with you.
Therefore, he makes it appear as if he needs alone time, time to breathe or time to ponder things through.
Regardless of which scenario he executes, each has the same goal, to reawaken your primitive fears of abandonment.
The Narcissist discards you often repeatedly during important times in your life for a specific purpose and it boils down to the basics of Trauma Bonding.
You know you are trauma bonded when you comprehend on a logical level that you need to leave the Narcissist but can’t seem to go through with it.
Your friends and family don’t understand why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly.
What they can’t relate to is that your abandonment triggers have been reactivated over and over again which happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we are emotionally attached to.
Each time the Narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks it unleashes a new round of intense insecurity.
You want to be reassured and loved by the very person who keeps betraying and abandoning you.
According to Susan Anderson author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,
Narcissists discard their primary supply sources during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with their victims ensuring they never forget the Narcissist or the relationship.
All other Narcissistic Manipulations aside, these two devastating tactics alone are enough to instill Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a myriad of other psychological injuries.
Some victims are misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder when they are actually experiencing symptoms of Repeated Abandonment Trauma.
What to do next?
Though it feels like everything has been ripped away, what is happening is that your primal and true self is crying out much like an infant crying for it’s mother.
Triangulation and Repeated Abandonment carried out by the Narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy and worried all the time.
Perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the Narcissist, the very person who will never give you either of those things.
It may feel as though you can’t survive this but you can begin your recovery by planning out your No Contact strategy and Exit Plan.
Stop trying to have a heart to heart with your Abuser in order to get him to understand your point of view or discuss the ever elusive resolutions to your relationship problems.
Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that is how they keep you hooked.
Plan out No Contact, find another person you can cling to during the initial stages of your recovery and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
It will feel impossible to do in the beginning.
In fact, it will feel unnatural but with daily practice you can heal from the Trauma Bond that the Narcissist manufactured between the two of you.