You And Me!!
As survivors we often find ourselves wondering if The Narcissist did really love us.
This question is the most torturous, painful and confusing for anyone who suffered being with A Narcissist.
The answer is no he didn’t.
But you and I did fall in love.
You and I practiced, demonstrated and experienced a deep level of caring, honouring, sharing, understanding, cherishing, bonding and appreciation.
You and I experienced an inner warmth, desire and the ability to connect with this person.
To forgive his flaws, short comings, upsets, fears and insecurities.
You and I communicated to the best of our ability.
Maybe some of us even fought for the right to love and be loved and willingly forgave all the lies.
We tried to ease the pain he was causing and the pain we were experiencing because maybe he had just been through so much and we felt for him deeply.
You and I were willing to learn and grow.
We didn’t pretend.
We didn’t say things to get people off our back who were never really on our back in the first place.
In fact maybe he was on our back and we were happily carrying him.
We can carry a great load and often without complaining.
We didn’t run the story of I’m a victim.
Everyone’s out to get me.
No one really cares about me.
We didn’t run the story of me, me, me.
We were bringing the story of an authentic we and a genuine us.
We were giving without thinking of taking.
We were giving without expecting anything in return.
You and I had the abundance, the overflow of loving to give and share.
We came from a place of freedom.
Freedom to love and to share.
And we genuinely believed we were with a person who could love as deeply as we did and probably still do.
Because in the beginning he love bombed us.
And that stage is so powerful.
It shook us up inside and broke us even more.
We believed that finally there was someone who could share this limitless love we have in our hearts.
It is like I have found the one!
He gets me, he understands me, he sees me.
He is amazing, kind, generous and protective.
You and I felt incredible, beautiful, happy and appreciated.
And this is what we keep remembering; the beginning.
Then the rare in betweens when suddenly it felt for an hour, a day or a night like the beginning again.
But it was never the beginning because there was no beginning.
There was a person who came into our lives and mastered the role of falling in love.
Because he needed you and me to play a role and fill a vacancy.
And for us this is impossible to comprehend.
He knew he was lying but he is not equipped to sustain and manage the hurt that may come from admitting it.
It hurts to remember and be reminded of these things.
So when we remember him we become aware that we are the ones filling the memories with love.
We are the ones filling the emptiness, the vacancies and the loneliness with love.
We think there was love there but then we remember that this is what we wanted to believe but it was never real.