You Could Have Been A Better Man.
You were a complicated man.
I didn’t think it mattered.
I knew I had feelings for you and cared about you deeply but I just thought if I wanted to,
I could make those feelings go away.
I didn’t realise how hard I was falling for you and how real these feelings were.
I have always been good at protecting my heart.
Extremely selective on who I gave bits and pieces too and I always, always did my best to listen to logic over the pitter patters of my heart.
And truthfully, I didn’t think it would be different with you.
I thought I could be around you, talk all day and night to you and let you into my life without anything changing and without my heart-attaching to anything.
But I was wrong.
I was wrong about it all, what I thought and how I felt.
I was even wrong about you.
I have escaped mediocre love before.
I know what a toxic man looks like and I know my worth well enough to know when to walk away.
I’m not naive, I know how fragile my heart can be and I don’t risk it to break for anyone.
That’s why I kept my guard up with you for so long and only giving you the layers I thought you could handle.
I didn’t overthink this because I expected you to be like every other man.
But when you kept fighting to break down my walls and for a place in my heart, I started to think differently.
I started to believe in you because you and only you gave me a reason to.
I didn’t need you to make feel special but you did.
I didn’t need you to lift me up when I struggled with my inner demons but you did.
I was scared to dive into such a big love but you made me feel that you were my safety net.
I wasn’t naive.
I wasn’t stupid.
I wasn’t overthinking anything.
Whatever you said, I took verbatim.
Whatever you did, I believed in faithfully.
I had no reason to.
You were pretending to love me in a way no one else has before.
There were no Narcissistic Red Flags and this didn’t feel toxic.
This felt so real that when you ended it I was completely blindsided.
You gave me a love I have never felt before and then you gave me a feeling of complete hopelessness.
It was the hardest fall and I don’t blame you for not catching me.
It’s life, it’s the risk of finding love and I’m proud of myself for giving love a chance.
I won’t ever forget what I thought we had.
And I want you to know that I won’t ever forgive you.
I never have and I never will blame you for this because I can’t hold it against you for not wanting it.
But I will never forgive you for how you handled it and how you led me to believe that you cared.
You went from making me feel like everything to absolutely nothing.
You knew full well the effect you had on me, my heart and my world and you didn’t have the decency to show a touch of compassion.
You walked away so fast and easily watching my heart break to pieces.
You didn’t have to pretend to be everything I wanted and to have feelings for me.
You didn’t have to lead me on when you knew that you were married.
But you could have been a better man.
You could have at least acted like I meant something to you and had the courage and the decency to tell me that you did me wrong.
But you chose to disappear and pretend like it was all in my imagination.
You showed me that you are not a man to be trusted and that’s why I will never forgive you.