You Never Loved Me, You Just Didn’t Want To Be Lonely.
Perhaps you will never be able to utter the truth but the reality is that you never loved me.
I suppose it’s just a matter of perspective because how could you have loved me when you never truly saw me?
I became just a salve for your brokenness.
You leapt into me with the vivaciousness of a predator setting its eyes upon its prey but never did you stop to think about why you wanted me or even more so what would you do with me if you actually got me.
I never was meant for you.
I never was anything more than a placeholder for something better.
Although, even as the stars fall around me now, I doubt that you see that because the truth is you are still scared of your own shadow.
See, there are women like me, women who change the world with their delicate fingertips and lips that move like cursors over the blank pages of men who have been too scared to write their own stories.
So, I will do it for you.
I will give you meaning where you previously lacked it and I will create such a beautiful catastrophe of contradictions that somehow you will forget the reason women like me exist.
Women like me exists to help build one chapter to the next, to shake up the status quo and to translate the feelings and thoughts you’d never imagined would find meaning within the looking glass of a soul that was used to being closed.
So, it was easy to think that you fell for me, this enchantress of uniqueness because I made you feel things you never felt before.
But we don’t ever treat love the way you treated me as being disposable.
Some say we can’t ever truly lose what is meant for us, yet that isn’t a free pass to treat those we love carelessly.
Sometimes we only lose people because we forget to try to keep them.
Not in our pockets as trinkets from a life well-lived or even a life lived from loneliness or despair but to hold them close to us in such a way that there was no question of how much they meant to us.
I see the truth not in your eyes but in your actions.
Some say that you don’t ever let true love go and so perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to think that it was never love because if it was you would never have let me go so effortlessly.
So perhaps it wasn’t love but it was loneliness.
I was never meant to be someone that made life easier for you.
I wasn’t put upon this glorious earth to somehow satisfy your cravings for a warm bed.
I could blamed too as I should have seen all the signs but maybe I was just blinded by love and simply assumed you were as well.
There’s no reason to love a woman like me but then again maybe the hardest truth is that there’s also no reason not to.
I might be one of these special souls amongst us whose only purpose on this earth is to simply love and be loved.
Yet, either way, whether I was nothing more than a soft place to land or if I had captured your heart differently than anyone else, the simple fact is that you let me leave.
I was packed away in your old and ratty suitcase of inconvenient emotions quicker than the scent of me faded from your bedsheets.
I might have fulfilled my purpose, after all, you know deep down that you will never be the same again.
I who was never supposed to be anything other than a substitute for what you really wanted somehow changed what you decided you were truly looking for.
But the reality is none of that matters because as you read this, I will be already moving on.
I’m drifting further away and the only sound I hear is the echo of your loneliness bumping hard and fast against my ribcage as I venture further and further from your arms.
There are a million ways to show that we love someone but in the end it’s only apathy that shows we don’t.
I know that it’s a bitter pill to swallow but if you truly loved me I would have still been yours.
Now all that you hear is the faded silence of your own condemning choices to lead a life void of intimacy.
Your walls felt good to you or at the very least it was comfortable and so you made it easy to forget the feelings that were beginning to bloom and instead buried it under mountains of fear and doubt.
When we find a love like this, we have no choice but to let it change us and you weren’t ready for that.
Why pretend it was love when in the end it was apparent that it was only loneliness …